몸이 아팠던 어린 시절
어린 시절부터 약했던 몸
어릴 때 나는 조금만 과로하면 편도가 부어 고생하곤 했었다. 또 축농증도 심해서 늘 엄마의 근심거리였다. 목에는 늘 무엇이 걸려 있는 것처럼 이물감이 느껴졌고 뜨끔뜨끔 아팠다.
사람들로 북적이던 우리 집
삼대가 함께 살아 조용할 날이 없었던 우리 집은 늘 사람들로 북적거렸다.
아버지는 동네 청년들을 지도하기도 하셔서 우리 집엔 항상 손님이 많았고, 또 가끔씩 청년들과 산에서 멧돼지를 잡아와 동네 어른들을 모시고 잔치를 벌이기도 했다.
저녁마다 우리 집에서 끓여 먹는 칼국수는 꼭 몇 분의 동네 아줌마나 아저씨들이 같이 드셨다.
밤에는 마당에 깔아 놓은 멍석위에 동네 사람들이 모여 모깃불을 피워 놓고 감자나 옥수수를 삶아 먹으며 여름밤을 지새우기도 했다.
어린 날 할머니의 이야기를 들으며 난 멍석 위에서 잠들 때가 많았다. 분명히 자기 전엔 마당에 깔아 놓은 멍석 위에 누워 있었는데 아침에 눈을 뜨면 방 안에 누워 있었다.
엄마에게 물어보면 빙그레 웃으시며 도깨비가 와서 데려다 놓았지 하시곤 했다.
늘 복닥거리던 대식구 안에서 넉넉하진 않지만 사랑과 정이 있는 시골 인심 속에서 내 어린 날은 행복했다.
갑작스럽게 쓰러지신 아버지
초등학교 5학년 때 갑자기 아버지가 쓰러지셨다.
과수원에서 나무에 올라가 가지치기를 하다가 떨어져 병원에 입원하셨는데 생각보다 빨리 회복되지 못하셨다.
처음엔 단순히 허리를 다친 줄 알았는데 시간이 갈수록 살이 빠지고 황달이 와서 큰 병원에 가서 검사를 했다. 그런데 뜻밖에 간경화로 시한부 선고를 받았다.
청천벽력과도 같은 소식에 엄마는 그때부터 간경화에 좋다는 약을 구해 사방으로 다니셨다.
그렇게 온 식구가 아버지를 살리기 위해 노력했지만, 1년 가까이 투병생활을 하시던 아버지는 막내 동생이 태어난 지 한 달 만에 결국 돌아가셨다.
어느 날 오후 수업시간, 갑자기 바로 밑에 동생이 교실로 찾아와서 담임 선생님께 울면서 뭐라고 얘기를 했다.
잠시 후 선생님은 나를 교실 밖으로 불러내시더니 꼭 안아 주시고는, 아버지가 방금 돌아가셨다고 빨리 집으로 가 보라고 하셨다.
죽음을 알지 못했던 어린 나이
죽음이 뭔지 잘 알지도 못하던 나이….
난 동생과 함께 황급히 집으로 와서 동네 어른들 가운데 누워 계신 아버지를 먼발치에서 바라보았다.
슬픔을 느낄 겨를도 없이 난 자전거를 타고 이웃 마을에 있는 친척 집에 아버지의 부고를 전하러 갔다.
일 년 가까이 아버지는 투병생활을 하시며 너무 고통스러워하셨다.
나중엔 복수가 차고 뼈만 남은 앙상한 모습이어서 가끔은 아버지의 모습이 무섭기도 했었다.
그 사이 고모들도 시집을 가고 큰아버지 식구는 대구로 분가를 하셔서, 아버지가 돌아가시고 나자 갑자기 우리 집은 너무나 썰렁해졌다.
딸 여섯을 품고 살아가신 엄마
아버지의 병을 고치기 위해 가진 돈을 거의 다 써 버린 후, 딸 6명과 함께 남겨진 엄마는 우릴 먹여 살리기 위해 정말 온갖 고생을 다 하셨다.
간혹 자다가 눈을 떠 보면 엄마가 머리맡에서 성경책을 펴놓고 울며 기도하고 계셨다.
그 모습을 보며 나도 이불 속에서 몰래 소리 죽여 울곤 했다.
가을 추수가 끝나고 겨울에 일감이 없어 엄마가 일거리를 찾아 타 지역에 가서 한동안 집을 비우면 다시 돌아오실 때까지 우린 멀건 김치죽만 끓여 먹기도 했다.
그 모습을 지켜봐야 했던 할머니는 혼자 많이 우셨다고 한다.
김천 도립병원에서 받은 수술
그 와중에 나는 편도선염과 축농증 상태가 날로 심각해져 결국 김천 도립병원에서 4시간이라는 긴 수술을 받아야 했다.
담당 의사는 수술이 끝난 후, 같이 수술실에 들어간 의료진들을 위해 맥주를 사 오셨다고 한다.
너무 힘든 수술이어서 보호자가 인사를 해야 하는데, 우리의 사는 형편을 눈치 챈 의사 선생님은 엄마 대신 본인의 돈으로, 같이 수술실에 들어갔던 의료진들에게 접대한 것이다.
후에 엄마는 두고두고 그 얘기를 하시며 그 후에 그 담당 선생님을 찾아뵙고 인사드리려 했지만, 그때는 이미 그 병원에 계시지 않았다고 송구스러워하셨다.
콩 두 말을 팔아 마련한 부산행 차비
그렇게 골골거리며 엄마의 마음을 아프게 했던 나는 고등학교 1학년 때 집을 떠나 혼자 부산으로 오게 되었다.
몸이 약하던 내가 공부를 하기 위해 객지로 나갈 때 엄마는 숙희네 엄마 집에 가셔서 많이 우셨다고 한다.
형편이 넉넉지 못해 혼자 학비를 벌어서 생활해야 하는 나를 보내며 가슴 아파하셨다.
콩 두 말을 팔아서 부산 가는 차비와 약간의 돈을 마련해 주신 엄마와 어린 동생들을 두고, 난 낯선 타향을 향해 기차를 타고 친구와 함께 집을 떠났다.
The Little Girl Who Dreamed Through Words
Living in My Sister's Shadow
As a child, I was a skinny little girl with a small frame. I was not the shortest in my class, but among the sixty students, I usually stood somewhere just below the middle of the line.
My father loved dressing my older sister and me in beautiful dresses that were rarely seen in our countryside village. He proudly carried us on the front and back of his bicycle, showing off his daughters wherever he went. My sister was an outstanding student who consistently brought home top academic awards, and she was my father's greatest pride.
The Things I Loved
I loved writing stories and drawing pictures. Whenever there was a writing contest or an art competition, I was often chosen to represent my school. Yet the certificates I brought home never drew my father's attention the way my sister's academic awards did.
The walls of our room were covered with my sister's certificates. Whenever friends came to visit, my father proudly showed them every one of her awards. I had never ranked first in my class, let alone first in the entire school. My collection consisted only of perfect attendance certificates and a few awards from writing and art competitions, and I often found myself looking at my sister's certificates with quiet envy.
She was tall, intelligent, and remarkably fair-skinned for a girl raised in the countryside. People even joked that she looked like a city girl from Seoul.
Always Being Compared
Because my sister excelled in her studies, she became the pride of our entire neighborhood. I was simply known as "the younger sister of the smart girl." Naturally, most of the family's attention and expectations were centered on her.
My father often told both of us that we should grow up to become judges or prosecutors. Although I loved writing stories and singing songs, he always reminded me that I needed to study harder instead.
The Saturdays I Dreaded
Every Saturday, my father inspected our school notebooks to see how faithfully we had studied during the week. If our notes were not organized properly, we were punished with a slap on the palm.
As Saturday approached each week, I became anxious. Sometimes my sister would help me rewrite my notes and diary so they looked neat enough to pass inspection. We were not even allowed to eat dinner until my father had finished checking every notebook.
One Saturday evening, the lights suddenly went out just before the inspection. By the time my father bought a new light bulb and replaced it, it was too late to begin checking our notebooks, so we went straight to dinner instead.
To me, those weekly notebook inspections felt like a heavy burden. That evening, I secretly celebrated inside my heart. I even wished that the electricity would go out every Saturday night.
A Strict but Loving Father
Although my father was strict, he also had a gentle and affectionate side. After disciplining us, he would sometimes hand us delicious snacks, and on occasion he even made pancakes for us himself.
Whenever it rained, he would mix sweet potatoes, potatoes, perilla leaves, and other vegetables into a simple batter and fry them until they were golden. On rainy days, I would always find myself looking forward to my father's homemade pancakes.
Mother Was Always on My Side
I was small, ordinary, and rarely attracted much attention, but my mother always believed in me. She would tell me that even my perfect attendance certificates were something to be proud of and never failed to encourage me.
As a child, I was often sick and physically weak. Because of that, my mother thought it was remarkable that I had never missed a single day of school and had earned perfect attendance awards every year.
For a long time, I truly believed that my attendance certificate was the greatest award anyone could receive. When I graduated from elementary school, I proudly showed my mother my six-year perfect attendance certificate.
She smiled warmly and said, "This is the finest award of all."
The Award I Never Forgot
One year, I won a prize in the Gyeongbuk Provincial Writing Contest as my school's representative. It was a significant honor, and my principal personally took me to the local cultural center where the award ceremony was held.
Receiving the certificate and a generous collection of school supplies as prizes filled me with joy. But the real challenge began after the ceremony. The principal had paid my bus fare on the way there, but when it was time to return home, I had no money left for the bus.
So I began the long walk back alone. The road stretched for more than ten ri, and by the time I finally reached the entrance to our village, the sun was already sinking beyond the hills.
Carrying my school bag along with the certificate and all the prize supplies, I walked mile after mile through the countryside. By the time I reached the village bus stop, I was completely exhausted and felt as though I might collapse.
A Welcome Waiting at the Edge of the Village
As I reached the village bus stop, I saw several older girls and a few of my friends waiting for me. I was surprised because we had never been especially close.
They told me they had heard that I had won an award and that I was the pride of our village. They had each gathered a little money to buy snacks so they could celebrate my achievement together.
After walking alone for hours from the city through the countryside, I had been trying so hard to stay strong. But the moment I saw them waiting for me, all the tension melted away. Overcome with exhaustion and emotion, I burst into tears.
The older girls and my friends took my school bag and the bundles of school supplies I had received as prizes, then gently walked me all the way home.
The Living Room Filled with Kindness
When we arrived home, snacks and strips of sweet glucose candy were already waiting for me in our family's guest room, carefully prepared by the girls and my friends.
That day, for the very first time, I realized that the awards I had earned could also become something worthy of praise.
We stayed together until late that night, sleepily sharing snacks and talking about everything I had seen while walking through the city. The stories flowed endlessly, and our laughter filled the room.
A Bowl of Ramen Made with Mother's Love
The following day, my mother placed my award certificate beside my sister's academic certificates on the wall. Then she quietly called me to the backyard and handed me a pot of ramen, telling me to enjoy it all by myself.
In a house where three generations lived together, being given an entire pot of ramen just for myself felt as special as a birthday celebration.
Back then, ramen was a rare luxury in our village. To me, those curly noodles were the most delicious food in the entire world. Every year on my birthday, my mother would cook ramen and let me eat the whole pot by myself.
Watching me enjoy every bite, she would laugh and tease me, saying, "When you grow up, I'll have to marry you to the owner of a ramen factory."
The Little Girl My Mother Raised
My sister was tall, beautiful, and exceptionally gifted in her studies. She carried all of my father's hopes and received admiration from everyone around her.
As for me, I remained a small and ordinary girl. Yet beneath my mother's quiet love, unwavering encouragement, and gentle care, I slowly grew into a little girl who dreamed through words—a little girl who would one day become a writer.
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